By Jennifer Jim

The arrival of a new baby brings joy, but it can also bring unexpected challenges to your relationship. Partners often feel neglected or demoted from their role as the number one priority, and there never seems to be enough time to do everything. Although your relationship may look different, there are ways you can navigate these difficulties and strengthen your bond.

Addressing the Feeling of Neglect

When a baby arrives, it’s natural for your partner to feel like they are no longer your primary focus. You have a tiny human that demands your attention around the clock. This can lead to feelings of resentment for both of you. Your partner may feel resentful that your time includes less of them, while you may feel resentful that your partner doesn’t fully understand the high demands of an infant.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is a powerful approach that encourages individuals to accept what is out of their control and commit to actions that enrich their lives. Here’s how ACT can help:

1. Acceptance

Accept that changes in your relationship dynamics are inevitable with a new baby. Understand that feeling overwhelmed and stretched thin is normal. Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation but instead recognizing the reality of your situation. There are 24 hours in a day. When those same 24 hours are divided between two people, it means more time for each other. When those same 24 hours are divided by three, the amount of time inevitably changes.

Acceptance involves acknowledging that this is a phase of life where the distribution of time and attention will be different. By accepting this new reality, you can approach it with a mindset of understanding rather than frustration.

2. Cognitive Defusion

Negative thoughts such as “I’m failing as a partner” or “My spouse doesn’t understand” can be distressing. ACT encourages you to see these thoughts as just thoughts, not absolute truths. This practice helps you distance yourself from negative thinking patterns and reduces their impact on your emotions.

Cognitive defusion techniques can include visualizing your thoughts as passing clouds or leaves floating down a stream. By observing your thoughts without getting entangled in them, you can reduce their emotional grip and respond more calmly and rationally.

3. Mindfulness

Stay present in the moment. When you’re with your baby, fully engage with them. When you’re with your spouse, give them your undivided attention. Mindfulness helps you appreciate the time you spend with each person, reinforcing the value of each relationship. The quantity may be less, but that doesn’t mean the quality has diminished.

Mindfulness practices can include simple breathing exercises, body scans, or mindful listening. These practices help you stay grounded and fully experience each moment, enhancing your connection with your baby and your partner.

4. Values Clarification

Identify your core values. If being a loving parent and a supportive partner are essential to you, let these values guide your actions. When you act by your values, you create a sense of purpose and direction in your life.

Reflect on what matters most to you in your roles as a parent and a partner. Write down these values and revisit them regularly. Clarity around your values will help you make decisions that align with your deepest commitments, even when faced with daily challenges.

5. Committed Action

Take practical steps that align with your values. Schedule regular time with your spouse, even if it’s just a few minutes a day. Even the smallest acts of love can make a significant difference. 

For example, a simple gesture like preparing their favorite snack to leave by the feeding station or leaving a heartfelt note for them to find at 2am when they’re soothing a crying baby can reinforce your connection. Regular, intentional efforts to show love and appreciation will help maintain and strengthen your bond.

Managing Time Constraints

With the demands of a new baby, finding time for everything can feel impossible. ACT offers strategies to help you healthily manage your thoughts. Share this article with your partner and talk together about how you can use each of the strategies to ensure you’re still loving partners, not just parents.

Here are some additional tips for managing time constraints effectively:

1. Prioritization:

Accept that you can’t do everything perfectly. Prioritize tasks based on what is most important to you. Focus on activities that align with your values and let go of those that don’t.

2. Flexibility:

Be willing to adapt and adjust your schedule as needed. Parenthood requires flexibility. Some days will be more challenging than others, and that’s okay. Embrace the ebb and flow of daily life.

3. Self-Compassion:

Be kind to yourself. Acknowledge that you’re doing your best under challenging circumstances. Self-compassion reduces feelings of guilt and self-criticism, allowing you to approach your responsibilities with a clearer mind.

4. Shared Responsibilities:

Communicate with your partner about sharing responsibilities. Work together to create a balanced schedule that allows both of you to have personal time and time together. Collaboration fosters teamwork and strengthens your bond.

5. Micro-Moments:

Find small, meaningful moments throughout the day to connect with your partner. A quick hug, a shared laugh over a meme, or a brief conversation can help maintain intimacy and reinforce your relationship.

Navigating the complexities of parenthood and partnership requires patience, compassion, and intentional effort. By applying the principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, you can honor your needs, your baby’s needs, and your relationship’s needs. Remember, it’s about progress, not perfection. Embrace the journey, and be kind to yourself and your partner. And partner, be kind to yourself and your partner. 

By integrating acceptance, cognitive defusion, mindfulness, values clarification, and committed action into your daily life, you can strengthen your relationship amidst the challenges of parenthood. This approach not only helps you manage the demands of a new baby but also ensures that your relationship remains a source of support and joy.

Reference: 

• Acceptance and Commitment Therapy ACT - Attuned Psychology. https://attunedpsychology.com/therapeutic-approaches/acceptance-and-commitment-therapy/