5 Tips for Balancing a Career with Motherhood
“We expect women to work like they don’t have children, and raise children as if they don’t work.” - Amy Westervelt
Working mothers make up a large part of the growing workforce in America. According to the Center for American Progress, "women now make up half of all workers in the United States, with nearly 4 in 10 homes having a mom that is also a working mother."
Modern life is characterized by too many activities and too little time. On the work front, we often feel overloaded with the dearth of tasks we are expected to complete while having to meet increasingly rigorous standards for parenting and housework.
It is also common for both parents to have full-time jobs. While women share the role of financial provider with their husbands, it has been found that men don’t equitably share the home/family roles with their wives. As a result, women are under more pressure than ever before, and therefore at a higher risk of suffering burnout.
While we don’t want to be viewed as less capable or less dedicated to our work, we also want to give our children lots of time and attention. Striking a balance between motherhood and a career is no easy task, but it is possible. This article will provide guidance on how to go from feeling overwhelmed and exhausted to being energized and in control of your circumstances as a working mother.
These are a few strategies you can implement to maintain your sanity:
1. Practice self-care
As a mom, you work tirelessly to hide the difficulty of balancing motherhood with a career, and you often feel overextended. Furthermore, you tend to put your own needs and wants on the back burner, focusing primarily on work obligations and those of your family, which is not sustainable. Studies have found that failing to take care of yourself means that you don’t have the energy and reserves to function at your highest level and neglecting your psychological well-being places you at risk for burnout.
Practicing self-care means taking some time out each day to focus on you. It doesn’t necessarily mean having a spa day once a week (although if you have the time and can afford it, that’s great!), but it does mean taking some time out to read a book, exercise, do a short meditation, have a bath or simply enjoy a cup of tea with no one demanding your attention. Self-care also means getting enough sleep. While getting a full 8 hours every night might not always be possible, having one good night a week goes a long way to restoring your vigor.
By way of analogy, flight attendants always advise people to secure their own oxygen masks before helping others. If you aren’t receiving what you need, you certainly can’t give others what they need. Furthermore, we know that our children are very sensitive to our emotions. Our happiness gives children a sense of security that all is well.
Self-care should be a non-negotiable part of every day. Looking after yourself means that you can be a better mother and also have the energy to get your work done.
2. Create a routine
We all know that children thrive on routine. It makes them feel safe because they know what to expect and when to expect it. Adults are no different. Routine helps us remember important tasks and gives us a sense of security that things are getting done adequately. It also helps us manage our stress by giving us a sense of structure and organization. Routines are an important part of balancing a career and motherhood.
By way of example, a seemingly simple issue such as finding your car keys in the morning can cause significant stress if you’re running late. Routinely placing them on a hook near the door is an easy measure to ensure that you never waste your precious time in search of the elusive car keys. Another important routine is putting children to bed at the same time every night. It reduces problematic sleep behaviors in infants and toddlers but also creates a space for you to unwind.
Lastly, routines help with time management. Effective planning means that you can get everything done, which improves your stress levels and gives you a sense of well-being.
3. Be fully present
For many mothers having a career means that you spend very little time with your children during the week. You may have an hour or two with them in the morning before the day-care or school drop off, and an hour or two with them before they go to bed at night. In between, you work an eight-to-ten-hour day. Some days you may feel that you hardly see your children at all. While it’s not easy to change this daily reality, it is possible to make the time you spend at both work and home more meaningful.
When you get home, if possible, try and leave work at work. Close your laptop and try not to take unnecessary work calls. Be in full mom-mode and give your children undivided attention, preferably in the form of play. Studies have found that even if it is for short periods, play maintains strong parent-child bonds and promotes healthy child development.
4. Let go of the mom-guilt
Maternal guilt is almost synonymous with motherhood and is exacerbated in working mothers. Research explains that guilt and shame occur because there is a discrepancy between our ideal selves and our actual selves. In other words, the reality of the way we mother our children does not meet the expectations we have of ourselves as mothers. Furthermore, mothers who experience high work-family conflict tend to experience more guilt.
The pervading view of motherhood in the past was that mothers should be intensely focused on their children, emotionally and physically, and sacrifice their own needs for the sake of the child. While this ideology is slowly changing, we may still feel that this is required in order to be viewed as a good mother.
Letting go of mom-guilt should be high on your agenda. Guilt affects your mood, disrupts your sleep, and prevents you from being fully present. To rid yourself of guilt, you need to be mindful and intentional about doing so. Catching yourself in the moment guilt arises is an excellent start.
In her book, Forget Having it All, Amy Westervelt recommends that you forgive yourself for your perceived shortfalls. You are not going to get it right all the time, and that’s ok. Revisiting your values is another strategy for letting go of guilt. It will help you get clear about your priorities in life. For example, if your highest value is to spend more time with your family, don’t volunteer for every school fundraiser. Practice saying “no” to unnecessary commitments, especially when you are already feeling divided between your career and motherhood.
Lastly, ask for help. This is not a sign of inadequacy or weakness. You don’t have to do it all yourself. Reach out to friends, neighbors, or your parents for favors. People are often very happy to help out if they can, and it creates a reciprocal relationship in which everyone benefits.
5. Stop comparing yourself to other working moms
Comparisons are second nature for human beings. We grow up making comparisons between ourselves and others as a gauge of where we should be or to predict where we may be heading. As a teenager, weighing ourselves up against others aids the important process of self-discovery, facilitating the development of a distinct personality and a stronger sense of identity. However, excessive comparisons can leave us feeling inadequate.
While contrasting ourselves with other working moms is natural and can be cathartic, it can also cause great distress. It is important to remember that we are all unique, and comparisons are normally inappropriate in the sense that we are often comparing the worst of ourselves to the best we presume about others.
To reduce the tendency to compare ourselves unfavorably to others:
Appreciate your own success. Remember that you have unique strengths that contribute to your career success as well as the way in which you bring up your children. For your children to take on your values, they need to see that you have confidence in your abilities.
Compete less. Competition is a waste of precious time and rarely contributes to your satisfaction in life. Instead of viewing others as competitors against whom we need to “win”, view them as teammates in the struggle of balancing motherhood and careers together. Furthermore, the more we stick together, the greater our chances of making strides forward in the male-dominated world of work.
Compare only with yourself. Being the best version of ourselves through consistent dedication to personal development is the only way to grow in our ability as mothers and in our careers. Commit to growing and learning a little bit each day and celebrate your small successes without comparing them to others.
In conclusion, juggling motherhood with a career is a balancing act of the highest order. There are no right or wrong answers, but by following these five tips—practicing self-care, creating a routine, being fully present, letting go of guilt, and not comparing ourselves to others—we will be better able to handle the demands placed upon us as working mothers.
References
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