When Not to Follow the Rules
As women, we’ve been conditioned from a young age to follow the rules. These are often centered around us being feminine, polite, looking after other people, and not challenging authority. While the topics addressed here are by no means comprehensive, this article intends to address some of the most pervasive social rules women unknowingly follow.
Women don’t apply for jobs unless they are 100% qualified.
The notion of following the rules, so ingrained in us from a young age, follows us on our career paths too, and research has found that when “men apply for a job when they meet only 60% of the qualifications, but women apply only if they meet 100% of them.” Interestingly, the barrier to application is not a lack of confidence – not because women didn’t think they could do the job well - it was because they thought they needed to fulfill the relevant criteria to be hired in the first place. Women also don’t realize that the hiring process is dynamic and creative, where building relationships could overcome not having the skills and experience outlined in the job specifications. As a result, women often lose out on opportunities that they would be well-suited to fulfill because they follow the rules. Our suggestion: Be Bold! Find creative ways to highlight your expertise and experience, and start a conversation with potential employers. You have nothing to lose.Women follow the school rules.
In her book, Playing Big, Tara Mohr writes “early in my work as a career coach, I noticed... the women who faced the biggest challenges in senior-level positions had often been star pupils in school.” Time and again she notes that the behaviors that were essential for success at school were holding them back in the corporate world. Our education systems teach us to conscientiously complete tasks and look to our authority figures to discover what they want and then provide it. It creates submissiveness and undermines our authority – qualities that don’t make for good leadership. Our suggestion: Think outside the box, have confidence in yourself and challenge the status quo. You don’t need to ask permission to do what you think is right.
We feel obligated to do the lion’s share of unpaid work.
It has been found around the world that the ways in which men and women spend their time are unbalanced. Women take care of children, cook, clean and most times have a full-time career. Men, on the other hand, spend most of their time working for money. The unpaid work of running a household and taking care of children is vital for societies to function. However, this work is undervalued, and because historically women have fulfilled this role, we perpetuate it. In fact, data shows that women spend an average of 4.5 hours more a day on household and childcare activities, which is double that of men. As a result, women are prone to burnout and emotional exhaustion. The unwritten rule that women should spend such a disproportionate amount of time on these activities should be challenged. Furthermore, women and men should see caretaking (whether of their children or elderly parents) as a shared, mutual responsibility. Our suggestion: Don’t do it all yourself. Talk to your partner about sharing household tasks and care-taking responsibilities. You don’t have to feel guilty about not doing it all.Women seek advice and input, even when they are competent enough to make decisions.
Women have been taught to ask the opinions of others about small and large decisions alike, even if they do not need other people’s input. It has been found that women are often penalized for making executive decisions without getting other people’s approval or buy-in. Their male counterparts, on the other hand, are expected to make decisions on their own before seeking advice or approval. Although this form of gender bias is pervasive in workplaces across the world, as women, we need to break the rules and actively challenge this construct. Our suggestion: Practice making decisions on your own, and don’t unnecessarily ask others for advice.Women don’t notice their destructive self-talk.
As women, we are so conditioned to behave and talk in ways that are valued by society. We tend to place a high value on whether people like us and what other people think. Patricia O’Gorman, a New York-based psychologist, speaker, and author calls these “girly thoughts.” As she explains, “Girly thoughts is an obnoxious but memorable name I’ve given to how a woman internalizes the relentless societal messages that tell her how she should act, should look, and what she should want, and turns these messages into negative self-talk.” These create impossible-to-fulfill expectations including the idea that we should look perfect (pimples are an unacceptable blemish to be photoshopped away) and always be nice (not authoritative, or bitchy) at work. These toxic, internalized messages are conditioned from early on, and as women, we have an imperative to question and change this destructive self-talk. Our suggestion: Practice meditation and mindfulness to explore the inner workings of your mental and emotional processes.Summary
Women are conditioned from early on to follow the rules. Society has taught us to be feminine, polite, and to not question authority. These ideas are perpetuated in many areas of our lives. As women, we need to recognize these often unspoken rules and actively challenge them so that we can fulfill our potential.Schedule a one-on-one coaching session with Gallup-Certified Strengths Coach, Karol Banks. As a Leva Premium Member, your first session is completely free.
References
Ely, R. J., & Padavic, I. (2020). What's Really Holding Women Back? Retrieved February 2021, from Harvard Business Review: https://hbr.org/2020/03/whats-really-holding-women-back
Mead, E. (2020). What is Positive Self-Talk? (Incl. Examples). Retrieved February 2021, from Positive Psychology: https://positivepsychology.com/positive-self-talk/
Mohr, T. (2014, August). Why Women Don't Apply for Jobs Unless They're 100% Qualified. Retrieved February 2021, from Harvard Business Review: https://hbr.org/2014/08/why-women-dont-apply-for-jobs-unless-theyre-100-qualified
Restauri, D. (2016, November). Women Gain Power When They Stop Asking 'Can I Do This?'. Retrieved February 2021, from Forbes: https://www.forbes.com/sites/deniserestauri/2016/11/17/why-you-need-to-stop-seeking-approval-and-start-creating-your-own-story/?sh=26d22162114d
WorkLife. (n.d.). Domestic work - why do women still do the lion's share? Retrieved February 2021, from WorkLife: http://worklife-blog.org/2019/07/domestic-work-why-do-women-still-do-the-lions-share/