A New Way to Navigate the Contradictions of New Motherhood

By Jennifer Jim

“The idea of embracing motherhood and walking confidently into the future with this new identity when I’m leaking and bleeding feels nearly impossible.”  ~ new moms everywhere

The idea of fully embracing motherhood while navigating the messy realities of postpartum life—like leaking and bleeding—can seem like a tall order. But here's the thing: motherhood is the ultimate paradox. It's where overwhelming joy meets the toughest challenges head-on, deep love lives side by side with utter exhaustion, and feeling sure about your choices often collides with doubt.

Moms have told me how they can feel so strong and confident remembering the physical and emotional marathon of pregnancy, labor, and delivery. Yet, in the next breath, they talk about feeling lost in unshowered days and overflowing laundry piles.

And this is just the tip of the iceberg regarding the contradictions in motherhood. We often find ourselves stuck thinking we must pick one: be a devoted mom or pursue our career dreams. It feels like we're forced to choose, but why should we limit ourselves to just one truth?

Let me introduce you to dialectical thinking. It's a fancy term for holding two opposing ideas in your mind and finding a way to coexist. In motherhood, it means accepting the complex mix of feelings and experiences without being hard on yourself.  It’s a mindset shift from “either/or” to “both/and”. 

This way of thinking lets us say, 'Yes, I can both be an amazing mom and still have laundry piling up.' It builds resilience, helping us move through motherhood without drowning in guilt or doubt.

Motherhood is full of unknowns. It's a constant juggle, from figuring out feeding and sleep schedules to balancing family and work life. Dialectical thinking allows us to explore these uncertainties with a more open and adaptable mindset. It's about understanding that sometimes there's no single 'right' answer, and that's perfectly fine.

If this approach sounds good, but you're unsure how to start, stick with me. Here are four ways to weave dialectical thinking into your mom-life fabric.

It's Okay to Feel Different Ways: Sometimes, you might feel happy and tired simultaneously. That's normal! You can have more than one feeling about something. So, a mantra you can incorporate into your daily life is “It’s okay to feel different ways.”

Mix Ideas Together: If you have two ideas that seem opposite, consider how they can fit together. When your brain tries to corner you with a ‘BUT,’ the question to ask yourself is “What would it take to make that happen?”  Instead of asking a question that warrants a yes or no answer, asking it this way allows you to be creative and think in twos.  

For example:

Self-Care and Childcare: You don't have to choose between self-care and looking after your baby. It's all about finding a balance that lets you care for yourself and your little one.

Accepting Help: It's not about doing it all on your own. Recognizing that accepting help is a strength, not a weakness, can change how you see support from those around you.

Identity and Motherhood: You can keep the parts of your life that you loved before baby while diving deep into motherhood's joys. It's all about integrating your past and present.

Change is Your Friend: Changing how you think or what you do isn't a sign of failure. It's growth. Embrace this new, flexible way of thinking as a positive step forward.

Seeing Through Others' Eyes:  It’s often easier to have compassion for friends or those we care about. Practice seeing situations from multiple viewpoints in terms of your friends' actions.  It helps you be a good friend and integrate this new way of thinking for yourself, too. Dialectical thinking can foster deeper connections.

Motherhood is a journey of navigating through contradictions that are both confusing and beautiful. By embracing the idea that more than one truth can exist, you free yourself from 'either/or' limitations. It's okay to feel all the feels. It's okay to explore different paths. Embracing this mindset unlocks a deeper understanding and grace for yourself and those around you.