How to be Assertive Without Being Seen as Aggressive

by Karol Figueroa Banks, Gallup-Certified Strengths Coach

No one likes being called difficult.  It’s demeaning, hurtful, and outright insulting.  It can also damage your professional reputation.  Women in positions of leadership sometimes have this problem to the extreme – especially if they are good at their jobs.  They are often labeled “difficult” for being high achievers and for pushing people to get results. What often underlies this unfair typecasting is the perception that women in leadership are too “assertive.”

Assertiveness is a highly valued workplace quality that's important for those in positions of leadership. However, a thin line exists between what is considered assertive and what is considered aggressive.  Technically, it is when assertiveness (asking for what you want/need) becomes aggressive (asking in a way that others feel intruded upon or emotionally/physically hurt). Sometimes, however, even if you politely but firmly state your case, it can be perceived as a form of aggression or hostility. 

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Women in leadership positions at work are especially vulnerable in this sense.  Our assertiveness and strength can unfairly be construed as aggression because, according to stereotypes, women are expected to be acquiescent, ask for permission, and be polite. Women often struggle for recognition and respect. 

Strong leadership requires firm decision-making, being directive, and holding others accountable.  Our societal expectations of what it means to be 'female' do not fit our ideas of what it means to be a 'leader.' This disconnect often manifests as an unconscious preference for male leaders, putting women in a very difficult position.

Despite this difficulty, I have great news! It's possible to overcome this unfair stereotyping and come across as resilient and polite, feminine and confident. The following tips can help you appear both gracious and assertive at the same time:     

Improve your emotional intelligence.

Work-life primarily involves interacting with people: managing subordinates, reporting to a boss, or working alongside your colleagues. Career success is inextricably linked to what other people think of you: individuals who are 'nicer' or 'friendlier' and more comfortable to be with can expect to do better across a wide range of jobs, particularly those with a strong interpersonal component. Emotional intelligence is a stronger predictor of success than competence.

Consider practicing mindfulness and meditation to improve your self-awareness and your ability to manage your emotions. You can make your new meditation habit more likely to succeed by attaching it to an existing routine, like meditating before or after you brush your teeth. That makes it easy to remember, and you can choose if you want to do it first thing in the morning or last thing before you go to bed at night.

Communicate competence with warmth.

Women often use language full of qualifiers (I think, probably, maybe, very) and permissions (sorry, excuse me) to avoid appearing too aggressive when making requests or stating their views. This type of language can negatively affect perceptions of competence by suggesting uncertainty or weakness. Women can avoid appearing weak by keeping their communication clear and direct while adding warm opening or closing messages to their statements, for example, greeting people with a friendly smile or ending emails with warm sign-offs.

Make feedback a personal matter.

Feedback is extremely important for progress. It’s a necessary function in an organization, allowing it to grow and become more effective and efficient. However, the feedback delivery method is as important as the message. Most people feel offended by receiving public feedback - it can be embarrassing and hurtful. If this feedback is given by a senior-level person in a public forum, it can make the individual seem aggressive and uncaring. If you are going to give someone feedback, give it in person and in private. This provides employees with the freedom to ask questions and learn from their mistakes in a more comfortable environment.

Be concise.

Women who are verbose are unfairly perceived as less competent and more aggressive than their male counterparts. Try to be succinct and to the point. This effectively communicates competence and assertiveness.

Focus on clarity and facts – keep emotion out.

Being direct and clear works as long as you keep your emotions out of it. If you are dealing with a difficult conflict and feel very emotional about it, process this emotion beforehand. Talk it over with a confidant or coach if needed so you are better able to communicate your position.

Try to focus collaboratively on the future instead of the past. And as cheesy as it sounds, never underestimate the power of a smile. It makes you much more approachable, and it's a simple way to defuse the perception that you're aggressive.

Keep a journal.

Keep track of the times you felt you were perceived as aggressive versus assertive. Make sure that you connect with your leader, co-workers, and others, and ask for feedback about your leadership style. Ask someone you trust to become your accountability partner. This person can provide honest feedback about how you project yourself and how you can address shortcomings in your style.

Of course, all of this is easier said than done. Changing internalized behavior can be hard. Assertiveness and aggression are fundamentally different, and using the guidelines mentioned above can lead to a better outcome.  However, we should also remember that women are professionals, and they're entitled to act like it.

Reach out if you would like a copy of our interactive workbook about navigating aggressiveness and assertiveness.