Letting Go of Mom Guilt
Most of us wonder (all the time) if the way we are parenting our children is right. Worsened by the consistent bombardment of parenting advice through social media, parenting blogs, well-meaning parents and friends, we’re left feeling completely inadequate. Add a global pandemic, necessitating working from home while home-schooling children, and you’ve got the perfect recipe for mom-guilt.
What is mom guilt?
Mom guilt is real. It is often the driving force behind relationship choices, career decisions, and childcare options. Mom guilt is the pervasive feeling that you are not doing enough as a parent, that you aren’t doing things right, or that the way you parent your children will “mess your kids up” in the long run. For many moms, particularly working or single moms, the factors that contribute to mom guilt are numerous and intense. Furthermore, because every mom’s experience is unique, the guilt will take on its own characteristics.
While both moms and dads can experience what’s come to be known as mom guilt, there are some differences. For example, based on a study of 255 parents, working moms felt more guilt associated with work interfering with family responsibilities than working dads did. Of course, each family’s experiences are unique.
Am I doing it right?
Mom guilt manifests when we compare ourselves to others. For example, I have a friend that rarely raises her voice to her children. I honestly don’t know how she does it. When my children are in the midst of a tantrum or some other expression of foul frustration, raising my voice seems like the only option. My kids know when I’m mad, happy, or stressed, but they also know that I love them fiercely.
We need to trust ourselves and our intuition. John Bowlby, the famous attachment parenting researcher, coined the term the “good enough parent.” If you are emotionally available to your children, attuned to their feelings, and show delight when seeing them, you will secure a healthy parent-child attachment. In other words, try not to worry about what other people are doing if you care for and are connected to your children. You don't need to sacrifice your needs and health to maintain some ridiculously high, impossible-to-reach childcare standards. Obsessively worrying about what we are doing wrong means that we are not present. We need to become aware of these sometimes subconscious comparisons and regain confidence in our own decisions. This in itself will make us better parents.
Should I ask for help?
We’ve no doubt all heard stories from well-meaning relatives of our parents’ generation about how they raised four children with no help. They hand-washed poopy cloth nappies (because washing machines hadn’t been invented), picked vegetables from their home-gardens, homeschooled, and had their children in bed by 7 pm. I have to bribe my children to eat vegetables, celebrate when I get my children to sleep by 8.30 pm, and I must say, feel a sense of relief after I've dropped my kids at school and can get to work with no distractions.
There’s a reason for the age-old saying that it takes a village to raise a child. We put so much pressure on ourselves to be everything to everyone all the time, but trying to do so is a recipe for burnout. We need to manage these unrealistic expectations. There will be nights where take-out dinners are the only option; the house will look like a bomb hit it and bedtimes when you tell your kids that you are NOT reading them a story.
Allow yourself to be supported by your village, and support other mothers on their parenting journeys. Befriend your neighbors, and ask a local teen (that you trust) to help care for your children. Enlist your children (and partner) to help with age-appropriate daily chores. Give yourself a break, and accept help when it’s available.
What do I value?
When we are clear about our priorities in life and our values, we live an aligned life. For example, you may value family time above all else, but are a single parent that has to work to support your family. Rid yourself of guilt by finding ways to spend more time with your family by saying no to unnecessary commitments, but forgive yourself for having to put in hours at the office. You may also want to involve your children in tasks around the house, like making meals or taking the dog for a walk. Use your free time intentionally, dedicating blocks of time for family and setting work boundaries.
Forgive yourself. Commit to letting go of guilt and stop beating yourself over your decisions and circumstances. Remember the reasons for your choices.
Conclusion
Being a parent is possibly one of the toughest jobs on the planet. Most of us suffer from varying degrees of guilt associated with raising our children. While guilt can alert us to the fact that some things need to change, it can also inhibit our ability to enjoy the parenting journey. Love your kids in your unique way, and don’t let what other people do or say dampen your parenting joy.
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+ References
- Borelli, J. L., Nelson, S. K., River, L. M., Birken, S. A., & Moss-Racusin, C. (2016). Gender Differences in Work-Family Guilt in Parents of Young Children. Sex Roles, 76, 356-368.
- Collier, T. (n.d.). Mom Guilt is Real. Here's How to Beat It. Retrieved March 2021, from activekids: https://www.activekids.com/parenting-and-family/articles/mom-guilt-is-real-here-s-how-to-beat-it
- Frost, A. (2020). Why Mom (or Dad) Guilt Is a Thing - and What you Can Do to Stop Beating Yourself Up. Retrieved March 2021, from healthline: https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/mom-guilt#effects
- what to expect. (2019). 7 Ways to Deal With Mom Guilt. Retrieved March 2021, from what to expect: https://www.whattoexpect.com/family/7-ways-to-deal-with-mom-guilt
