By Bonnie Kaplan

When you’re experiencing a crisis or going through a difficult time, coping with the uncertainty of a situation can be really hard. Most of us crave predictability. We thrive on structure and want to know what’s going to happen, when it’s going to happen, and what the outcome will be. We want to be in control. Think back on your life and how continuously doing exercise improves your muscle strength. Practicing controlling only those things in your life over which you do have control is the same. 

Are You Feeling Out of Control?

Being out of control usually results in a sense of frustration.  However, it is important to become aware of the things in your life over which you do have control and those things which will just add more worthless anxiety.  

How much control you do have when your life feels out of control? Let us delve into our bodies to find where our power and strength come from to help us find how we can control what we are able to. Let’s start with the brain. Italian psychiatrist Ernesto Lungaro introduced the term plasticity to neuroscience in 1906 (Berlucci, G. 2010). Neuro means the brain, spinal cord, and nerves. Plasticity comes from the Greek word plastos, which means moldable. This means that throughout the brain, relationships between neurons can change to enable psychic maturation (maturing psychologically) and learning. This is why we can control our behavior through practice. In other words, the more you think about something, the more our brains will automatically get into that frame of thinking. We can therefore train ourselves to become more aware of our thinking and choose to think about those things over which we do have control, and let go of stressing about the outcomes of those things we don’t. While this doesn’t solve all our problems, it can help us feel more hopeful and confident.

How can you find ways to control the controllable?

Find ways of expressing those stressful issues that come up time and again for you.  Different people do it in different ways.  It may be through art, mindful walking, or sharing all your thoughts with a trusted friend. Dig deep and fearlessly to really uncover the issues within you to improve your practice at controlling the controllable. You may also want to create a list of the things that concern you.  Make the list as long as possible, expressing everything that’s ‘bugging’ you. Express what is happening inside you, with no judgment or explanation.  E.g. My gut feeling is…, I am scared of that…, I’m not sure why, but I think…The purpose of this step is to discover what is in your control and what’s not.  Once your thoughts are visible, like an archeological dig, start separating the grit from what’s of value. Expressing your concerns on paper will give you something concrete to work with.  

Now that everything is out there in black and white (or color in the form of art), decide which items are your highest priority. Make a shorter list of ideas at this stage, prioritizing the actions you can take to control the things you can. Try to work with the idea of no judgment, and don’t consider ‘reality’ or ‘practicality’, all ideas are good enough. This is your chance to break habits, move away from the familiar and take practical steps forward. 

At this stage, you should consider new or alternative ways, the possibilities, what-ifs, and imagine new ways of being! Find the possibility in these ideas. Find out too, what is in your control, and separate those thoughts from ones over which you have no control.

Look at the benefits of thinking in a new way: Why is it preferable? Why is it positive? And most importantly, how can you make it work? You might have to search hard, as the negative aspect of our brain tends to dominate. Try to think positively. Remember that neuroplasticity is on your side.  You can rewire your brain by choosing your thoughts.  Eventually, you will be able to automatically realize what is in your control, and which thoughts you should let go of. 

What does your brain have to do with this?

Your brain is going to start working for you now, and neuro-science proves that this is true all the time. Because of the plasticity of your neurons - your positive actions will become more ingrained. When you allow this to become a habit, choices and decisions in your control will be easier and the process will become familiar to you. Like with all good habits, eventually recognizing what is in your control and what is not will become second nature.

Conclusion

Now that you know how to reflect critically, mindfully, and consciously grow ways to control what you can and let go of what you can’t. Continue creating tools for reflection and discernment and write about what is working, what is not working, and what changes you need to make in order to control the controllable. Find what works for you, and your brain will let you know too.

A tip from an executive coach which is very helpful: 

Move from the Circle of Concern to the Circle of Influence

1. Is there anything I can do about this myself?

2. Who do I know that has more influence who might be interested in helping me change it?

3. Detach from the outcome. Accept that you can't do anything about it and focus your energy on something you can do.