Emotional Agility
By Vanessa Jupe
When I think about emotionally agile people I’ve worked with, I conjure images of folks that exhibit grace under pressure. These individuals are often senior leadership types. In fact, it’s difficult to make it to senior executive levels without developing emotional agility, especially as a woman. You probably know the type… They’re unflappable in the face of stress and setbacks. They’re resilient, optimistic, and driven in a way that seems well above that of a mere mortal.
Specifically, the leader that comes to mind for me is a Senior Vice President named Karen that I worked within the television industry. While she dealt with challenging, political situations all day long, she still cared about the company and her team, and she could connect with people on a human level. I remember sitting in her office at one point while she and another SVP were disagreeing about a product feature. He told her she was being defensive, and without missing a beat, she acknowledged that he was right and dropped her guard, allowing the conversation to move on productively. I’d never seen anyone so open to criticism, nor so immediately course correct. I was in awe.
So what is emotional agility and why does it matter?
Let’s talk about the nature of emotions for a moment so we can truly appreciate what it means to be emotionally agile. In Susan David’s book, Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change and Thrive in Work and Life, David states that our emotions “like fear, anxiety, joy, and exhilaration [are a] a neurochemical system that evolved to help us navigate life’s complex currents.” And while it may not feel like it, our ‘negative emotions’ are actually working in our favor. But how we interpret those emotions and ultimately respond to them makes all the difference.
David describes emotional agility as “being flexible with your thoughts and feelings so that you can respond optimally to everyday situations.” Further, she states that this is key to well-being and success.
“Emotional agility [...] isn’t about ignoring difficult emotions and thoughts. It’s about holding those emotions and thoughts loosely, facing them courageously and compassionately, and then moving past them to make big things happen in your life.”
It sounds simple enough, so why isn’t it?
It turns out being emotionally agile is difficult for a whole host of reasons, from the automatic thoughts that pop into our head at inopportune times to the way we allow our emotions, not our rational brain, to run the show. Also, David states that our constant “striving to be perfect - or always perfectly happy - will only set [us] up for frustration and failure.” In other words, our culture creates unrealistic expectations that exacerbate our challenges and push us further from our goal of emotional equilibrium.
So now that we know that, as David puts it, “emotionally agile people effectively turn themselves - warts and all - toward their loftiest ambitions,” what can we do about it?
How can you become more emotionally agile?
Here are five quick tips you can practice to gain emotional agility.
Exercise Your Mind Daily
As we discussed in our article, Control the Controllable, one of the best ways to evaluate your feelings, thoughts, and the options in front of you is to write them out. David describes a period in her life when journaling allowed her to move through trauma. She says, “It also showed me the power of facing into, rather than trying to avoid, difficult emotions.”
As you probably know, many successful people have kept journals, including Marcus Aurelius, Benjamin Franklin, and Marie Curie. Journaling brings self-awareness to situations that otherwise would go unprocessed and unexamined. This very act of reflection is a meaningful step toward emotional intelligence.Find the “Stretch” Sweet Spot
In Corporate America, we often talk about giving employees on our teams “stretch” assignments. This means giving people opportunities to learn, grow, and prove that they can take on bigger challenges and get to the next level in their careers. As David puts it, we “need to find the balance between challenge and competence, so we’re neither complacent nor overwhelmed, but excited, enthusiastic and invigorated by challenges.”
What are those things you’ve been wanting to do in your life but have steered clear of due to fear or procrastination? What is exciting to you, but a little outside your comfort zone? Take a bit of time to think about how you can take a step in the direction of your ambitions while not overdoing it. For example, if you want to run a marathon but it’s been years since you’ve run a mile, you may need to start with a quick jog around the block and slowly build up your endurance. The same goes for any new goal. Even a meditation practice can start with only 1 minute a day!Fumble and Rumble
Sarah Blakely, the billionaire founder of Spanx, often talks about the influence her father had on her life and her entrepreneurial journey. At dinnertime, her father would ask her “So tell me how you failed today.” Her father encouraged his children to push the limits and be proud of themselves for doing something new and difficult, even when they didn’t succeed.
And just because you’re not an ‘expert’ at something doesn’t mean you’ll fail. You may be interested to learn that there is a phenomenon called “the trained incapacity of experts.” As David puts it, “specialists are often the last ones to notice common-sense solutions to simple problems.” “Heraclitus said that you can never step into the same river twice, meaning that the world is constantly changing and thus always presenting us with new opportunities and situations. [...] The freshest and most interesting solutions often come when we embrace ‘the beginner’s mind’, approaching novel experiences with fresh eyes. This is a cornerstone of emotional agility.”
When I say fumble and rumble, I mean get out there, take chances, try something new, and be OK with fumbling around and even failing. And then talk about it. Share it with friends, family, and coworkers. By talking about your efforts, you create an environment where others will be more likely to push themselves to exceed their own expectations and create a flywheel of motivation and learning.Look at the Landscape
When we are stressed or worried, we often adopt a very narrow and limited perspective of the world around us. Worry can make it feel like our world is closing in. In mindfulness practices, one exercise we recommend is for you to move your head in a panoramic way from left to right, eyes open, taking in everything around you while breathing deeply. This helps you break free of the tunnel vision you often experience when you’re scared or stressed.
Similarly, David recommends that you “see yourself as the chessboard, filled with possibilities, rather than as any one piece on the board, confined to certain preordained moves.”Edit Your Personal Narrative
David astutely observes that “every minute of every day, we’re writing the scripts that get screened at the cinema inside our heads. [...] The human mind is a meaning-making machine and a big part of being human involves laboring to make sense of the billions of bits of sensory information bombarding us every day.” Unfortunately, the meaning our minds choose to make is often dominated by self-defeating, negative thoughts. And that is where emotional agility comes in.
“Once our mind slips into default mode, it takes a great deal of flexibility to override this state.” So it’s imperative that you begin a practice of self-compassion and mindful awareness. You can do this by first noticing when you have negative self-talk occurring. Pause the rhetoric and focus instead on feeling your emotions. Don’t ignore them or push them down inside of you. Observe them. Is it anger you’re feeling? Disappointment? Don’t craft a story to go with the feeling, simply let the feeling be. Realize there is a neurochemical process happening in your brain and it will take a minute or two to run its course.
Now that the feeling has lessened or subsided altogether, try to understand what triggered the feeling. Again, don’t add meaning to the feeling, simply think about what caused it. At a fundamental level, what message is your body really trying to send you? Once you know this, you can reframe your understanding of the experience in a different way rather than letting your automatic thoughts get carried away.
Conclusion
Emotional agility can help us break the pattern of negative thoughts and behaviors happening in our heads. As we practice the methods here, and other mindfulness exercises, we can become happier people more in control of our destiny and in our day-to-day experiences of life.
Want to read more about our happiness-obsessed culture and how to thrive in spite of it?
In the article “Enjoy the Journey,” we discuss how we “live in a world where the norm is to be driven by our constant quest for happiness” and break down how to enjoy the path to achieving your goals vs. the short-lived happiness, and ultimately emptiness, that comes after goals are reached.
In Meaning Over Happiness, we share insights from Austrian Psychiatrist and holocaust survivor, Victor Frankl, and discuss why meaning makes life worth living.
+ Resources
- David, S. (2016). Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life. London: Penguin Books.
